I'm scared of lonely And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall And I'm scared the only heartbeat I hear beating is my own And I'm scared of being alone I can't seem to breathe when I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me I'm scared of lonely I'm scared of lonely...
This pretty much sums it up. No, I'm kidding. There's a ton more.
I've recently started trying to get to the root of my fear of being alone. After being a forever single lady who is soon to turn 30, I'm hoping to find a place for myself in this world that isn't entirely reliant on having a partner or children (much as I may think I want them). But in order to do that, I need to address the reason why I feel this fear. Is it society? Is it true desire for companionship? WHAT IS IT? DO YOU KNOW? PLEASE TELL ME!
I've started coming up with a list of fears within my fear of being alone. It's almost as if these are my fear's children. This is actually helpful, because now I can face each of those fears head on and try to find a solution for each of them, rather than trying to overcome a BIG fear all at once. I got the idea after stumbling upon First Person Singular's blog, where she writes about being single in her 50's, among other things. In the post that inspired me to build this list, she writes about what to do as a single person if you get hurt and need aid in your recovery. Reading this, I realized THIS is one of my biggest fears. But it's easily solvable, right? If I'm single and have no kids, I should have enough money saved up to pay for a nurse during my recovery... So I figured, if this particular worry can be handled, I'm sure the others can be, too!
So without further ado, here's all the shit I'm scared of when I think about being single forever:
Who will take care of me?
Will I be able to relate to my friends?
What will I do with my free time?
Will I ever enjoy human touch?
Will anyone remember I exist?
Will I always be stressed?
Will I become a fatter/uglier version of myself?
Will people always pity me?
Will people look down on me?
Will I always feel empty?
Will I ever be able to influence young minds?
Will I have companionship?
Will I ever feel fulfilled?
Will I always feel inadequate?
Will I feel like I "missed out"?
Will my life be boring?
If anyone out there is reading this, I recommend this listicle thing! It's actually helping. What are some of your fears within fears?