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I Dream of Motherhood

I have always wanted to be a mom. I can't think of a moment in time when having kids was something I didn't envision for my future. However, I've always been deeply afraid that this will not happen for me. Growing up, as my late teen years began and I started to see how all my friends were in relationships while I usually remained single, I realized that having kids was probably not in the cards for me. To make matters worse, a couple of years ago I visited an astrologist who told me that my "house of children" was weak, whatever that means. Basically, he doesn't believe I'll be a mother. And while I'm not taking an astrologists' words as law, it's hard not to be predisposed to thinking this way. Yes, I've learned my lesson. No more astrologist visits for me...

I often think about what sort of things I would do with my child(ren) and what kind of mother I would be. I daydream about the lessons I'll teach, and about the moments we will share. Daydreams I have:

- Read them feminist books about women like RBG

- Take them swimming

- Take them to Disney

- Take a mother/daughter (or son) trip to NYC

- Read them all the harry potter books and later watch the movies with them

- Color together

- Build blanket forts

- Adopt a pet together

- Fly a kite

Still, a lot of those imagined moments involve someone alongside me for support. I know being a single mother is a definite possibility, but I also feel that it's terribly selfish of me to think about this from a biological perspective. That's why adopting a child form foster care and giving him or her the opportunities in life that they wouldn't have otherwise seems to me like the logical thing to do, rather than bringing a child into the world that I won't be able to give all my time to. As a single parent, I will inevitably need to work, and the thought of having a child that will live in daycare tears at me (biological or adopted).

The more I think about what single motherhood looks like, the less I believe that I will actually go through with it. At what point in my life will I have given up on the idea of having a partner enough to seek out a child? Because it almost seems like I'm at that point now, but I'm only 28 years old and I'm so afraid of what repercussions this decision might have. And I'm not sure I'm willing to downgrade my lifestyle monetarily just yet.

By 50 years old (I used to think 40 but unless I get a serious salary bump from here to then, that won't happen), I should be able to economically afford adoption and private school for one child while maintaining my current lifestyle (owned apartment, car, travel money). Is that my deadline, or do I wait longer? Damn you, astrologist. I so don't want you to be right.

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