I've come to realize that dating brings out the worst in me. I become a needy, insecure and angry version of myself, and I don't like it one bit. However, knowing this fact never stops me from trying things out when someone with potential shows up on the horizon. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I also loathe dating with every fiber of my being. So what am I to do?
I recently met someone through Tinder. She's beautiful, professional and peaked my interest, which I have to admit RARELY happens. She's also new to dating women. We've started texting, and are struggling to arrange plans to go for a drink. I'd like to meet her, if only to just talk to someone else who is fresh off the boat, but she mostly throws one word answers at me and seems less than assertive. Now, I've already been in something resembling a relationship that threw me for an emotional whirlwind, and I'm not willing to go down that route again. Still, understanding someone's motives through text is so difficult, and I would still like to meet her in person just to see what could be.
Here's the thing though; I can't stand myself throughout this process. I'm constantly angry, dismissive, harsh, and I have never even met this person. So why am I getting so worked up over her? I think I've already idealized what this could be in my head and the fact that it's not going to plan is making me mad. But that's on me... And I need to separate truth from imagination ASAP.
I might just let this one go. This has once again reminded me that dating is just not my cup of tea. I've come to terms with who I am in most aspects of my life, and dating just turns me inside out and brings out all the ugly in me. Id rather not go through that.
Of course, taking myself out of the dating pool just means my chances of being alone forever increase tenfold. In the long run, perhaps the temporary self-hate is worth it. Or maybe I need to work on how I view dating in the first place...
What I think I'll do is just take care of myself, plan for a life alone, forget about dating, and if I just happen to meet someone date-worthy who makes things easy for me and doesn't play games, then Ill give it a chance. But I'm not about to go through another emotional roller coaster. No thanks. Not today satan.