Torn


In my post, Crossroads of Should & Must, I detailed two routes I could take in life. Back then, they were hypothetical thoughts. Today, they are truer than ever.

For the last months, I have been seeking to pursue my must. I’ve been reaching out to everyone I know to see if there is any way I can make it up to NYC to find a job and move there. My career here just isn’t up to par with any of my goals.

Well, SURPRISE!, I’ve started dating. My engaged friend got a hold of my tinder account and swiped for me, and now I’m dating a man. And while dating men has been something I’ve been fairly certain I wouldn’t be doing again, here I am. And I don’t know how to feel. Because he’s come at a time of my life when change is imminent for me. But he checks all the boxes a 15-year-old me wrote down when listing the qualities she wanted a husband, none the wiser about her sexuality…

This is very new. Who knows where it may lead. But hypothetically, if it were to lead to a relationship, what does that mean for my musts in life? And would he qualify as one? I must find a life partner. I must be a mother. But I must also pursue my career goals. Can I have my cake and eat it, too?

Nevertheless, I need to remember to enjoy the journey and not over analyze what any of it might mean. It’s time to let things flow…


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